H3H3H3H3 1M 7H3 8335 PR1NC3 (that has no sense /out)
Evolution produced the Visayan warty pig during an angsty adolescent phase. Don’t ask.
"What now, evolution?"
"Well, I had such good luck with the handfish—what if I made a handlobster?”
"Handlobster? That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.”
"Come on! It just takes a few little mutations. Look, I’ll do one now.”
"I think I like it."
Image credit: Richard Figueiredo, F/V Leah; courtesy Maine State Aquarium
"Hey, I just realized something!"
"Well, I made these Amazonian frogs so they spawn, right?"
"So the females just lay their eggs out in the water, and the males fertilize them out in the water, and then everyone leaves the eggs alone and they grow."
"No parental care necessary."
"That’s the idea."
"So it doesn’t really matter what happens to the parents, so long as the eggs get fertilized."
"Technically. Where are you going with this? "
"Well, I gave the females this handy reflex to release their eggs when males squeeze them."
"But sometimes all the males trying to mate with them crush them to death."
"So it goes."
"But reflexes still work a bit after you’re dead, right?"
"So, like, as long as the eggs still come out of their bodies, and no one needs to be around to take care of those eggs, the males can just keep on mating with the dead females and still successfully reproduce!”
"Jesus, evolution. That’s pretty grim."
"I prefer ‘efficient.’"
"You’re messed up."
Evolution likes worms that look like tiny disembodied floating butts, and it cannot lie.
Hey, evolution. It’s really cool that you made starfish so they can regenerate their arms if they lose them. That was a pretty smart move. And it’s especially awesome that you worked it out so that the detached limb can regrow a whole new animal. Excellent thinking there, really. It’s just that while it’s doing it, uh… it looks a little… gosh, how do I put this delicately?
Ever have one of those days where you’re supposed to concentrate on making orchids but just can’t stop thinking about monkeys? Because evolution does. All the time. Like, it thinks about monkeys a lot. That’s normal, right?